For a long time, I struggled over whether to write about my pregnancy. It has been both the most intimate and private experience I’ve had. But as people start talking to me about why I am not writing about it, I realise when I revisit the topic of “why I write”, my intention was always to be true to myself and to leave something my daughter will read one day, so she, when she goes through the same things one day, will be able to talk to me about it directly. And in the event she can’t, it’s right here.
For the most part of my first trimester, I struggled with an insane self-absorbtion. I never thought of being without children as a freedom, all these 28 years– but suddenly, when the strip turned pink– the reality of what it means to be with child hit me like a ton of bricks. There goes your privacy. There goes your ability to pack up and leave for an impromptu trip. There goes hedonistic nights of binge drinking, smoking shishas and doing whatever the hell we want. Denn and I both have high pressure jobs, and often we rake up such a high sleep debt that we plan offline, downtime to sleep. Denn and I are friends, before we are spouses, and to be honest, I love the nights of staying up, engaged in rapid fire discussions about anything under the sun. Who cares what time it goes on to, who cares what time we wake the next day.
We have been preparing for a child for a while now. I can never understand when people ask “is the pregnancy planned?” — well I think any two people who choose to have unprotected unions cannot claim it is not planned. We have been leaving it to God’s timing, really. But preparing and wanting a child is totally different from finding out you have a real living being living in you.
I think the first 3 weeks went by in a haze of tears and panic, and just coming to terms with being pregnant. It was too early to even see the gynae. Just the unbearable pressure of your life changing and moving in a direction you are not entirely prepared for.
But they say time settles everything, and the initial panic fades, the awful nausea passed. it took a while to get here, but here we are. 20 weeks in. We are doing ok. All 3 of us.
Elizabeth, you are much loved and wanted. We can’t wait to see you.