The words in my heart remain
on the event of our two year wedding anniversary, these are the words i say to you.
two years ago, i married my best friend.
now, two years on, i realise, nothing has changed, and for that this morning i am grateful.
we’d never know what lies around the bend, beloved, and i guess that is the truest way to feel alive, our reactions, our compromises, our decisions, our coping mechanisms. thank you for giving me such a safe environment, so steeped and secured in your love, for me to be able to acknowledge my emotions, at their rawest, most immediate, pre-censorship state.
this will be a tough year for the both of us, with you going off for 6 months and me not able to join you there. i think we are just a couple of weeks to your departure; and that reality grows starker and starker with each day you pander to my every whim around bedtime when i am fussing and stressing (or decompressing) from the day.
so here is my blessing for you:
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
My inside voice rambles on and on. It chatters incessantly: my fears, my worries, my guilt, my frustration. I try to simplify it so I can make some sense of it: what is this really about, c. How much of this is a desperate cry for release? How much of this is a torrent of rage? How much of this is a fervor for attention? So I ask myself, on this day… I feel .. (fill in the blanks)
1) panicked – omfg. The monumental changes to come. The drastic changes that must happen yesterday.
2) lonely – it’s my life to lead, and my consequences to bear
3) loved – I married someone with unshakable faith in me, and volumes of patience that astounds me
4) sour – I have been surly and mean, direct and tactless today
5) redeemed – my husb reminds me there are no small miracles, and that God loves fiercely and posessively.
6) thankful – for mum’s quiet support in the things she does not say. And dad’s acts of service.
7) shocked – some relationships do not go the distance or run shallower than I thought they would
8) unravelled – this uncontrollable flood of emotion that swallows me
The dogs (and I know I really spend alot of my time talking about the dogs) sense my frustration. Today peps put aside her chewy treat just to cuddle with me, willingly. These days I think they are really fantastic creatures that only love unconditionally and without reservation or judgement. They just take what you are willing to give, and are all so atuned to my moods. Truly the most worthwhile emotional investment.
this brings me much comfort in this season of anxiety and stress. its been a long year, and the only comfort is that it is nearly the end of july. more than half done (yikes!!). too many plane crashes; what’s going on guys??
this video of Kim Collingsworth playing just blew me away. denn holds a performance diploma for the piano, and i have spent many hours (while we were dating) listening to him play; and even he is blown away by her fingerwork. and how effortless she makes it look. my latest favourite. her whole family sings; like the modern von trapp family.
Had a lovely dinner with my cousins today, and I sat there looking at all of them, all of us at various points in our lives — those with their own families, those who are getting married, those that are starting to date. Everyone with their own stories, of love found, love lost, exciting love, warm sated love, turbulent love, faithful love. I wish them all the very best of love and life and hope. What I would give to turn back the clock to primary school days where we would mill about my grandmother’s house and get up to crazy mischief.
These days I think about my grandparents alot, esp since my grandpa’s heart attack. I look at their marriage, arranged but lasted them all these years. That quiet way that Grandpa watches over her, the way she frets over grandpa.
I hope Denn and I get to experience growing old together, the same way grandma and grandpa did.
Forgive the ramble, today I am not stringing my thoughts together coherently. Some days are better than others, just as some nights are worse. Changes in the blueprint I so carefully crafted, etched so meticulously in my mind. I am not a meticulous person, one of the many flaws I have.
I don’t remember details or dates, when I have thoughts running through my mind, I totally zone out on conversation. Sometimes I think I try too hard, sometimes I think I try too little. Sometimes I feel I am always in complete control and that tires me, sometimes I feel I have nothing within my control and everything is going wrong.
Some days I think I am inadequate, as a wife. As a daughter. As a daughter in law. As a sister. As a friend. As a head of my organisation. As a team member. As a person. Some days I wish to throw it all into the wind, and yet some days I close my fist around every thing I have to make sure no one else can have it.
Does that make sense to you? This crazy riptide pulls me under, and right now I think “Go to bed, c. Count your blessings”.
It’s been a crush of emotions, an onslaught of Murphy’s law, a cacophony of things-that-need-your-attention-now and that’s leaving me feeling bruised and battered and sorry for myself.
And today as I will my brain to shut down and prepare for sleep (sans chemical aid), I realise that it is the Faithful God’s way of taking me doen a few notches and reminding me that :
1) this is a temporal home, and we should set aside more store for the eternal one.
2) His measure of success is not the accolades we earn or the financial starements of the company or the status badge we wear.
3) He is a loving, faithful friend that delights in giving me his best.
4) To conduct myself with love and dignity, and lean on his wisdom.
5) These trying times are not there to frustrate me, but to see his Grace in action.
Love. Joy. And Peace.
I think I shall go chasing after these instead. He promised, so I believe.
What is it that draws people together, that unspoken, irrevocable bond that transcends verbalisation. The meandering force that breaks the rocks of societal norms and parental objections and merge merge merge as one. Like an old lover, one ‘s first love, or the one that got away. there is no right or wrong or reasoning, for heart recognised heart and mind meets mind.
Maybe it’s a shared experience. sometimes a similar circumstance. Often it’s simply serendipity.