have i been good?

is a tough question to answer, on so many levels. (place your own intonations/stresses wherever you want, and interprete it anyway you want. ;) )

i’ve been very angsty lately, very snappish–not to mention the lack of sleep from this work-panic that hits me late in the night at a time where i can do nothing but stare at the ceilings and will it to crash down on me.

last night, the hostess of the dinner (mistakenly) rtied to comfort me in recovering from setbacks. and i was like whoaa.. what setback? i’m fine, i just graduated, i just travelled, i just started planning for my future. what setback are we refering to exactly? perhaps its just my general good-for-nothingness and the can’t-stand-on-her-own; wouldn’t-have-been-a-trainer-without-her-sister’s-backing assumptions or the her-job-prospects-are-dependant-on-her-connections. always the right hand, never the head, clearly. on days like this, sometimes i wonder why i bother. the trainings i’ve done alone, the camps i’ve anchored, the thrill of going through the feedbacks, my own achievements, my personal milestones, just shrugged aside–just cast away.

according to my mother, it is probably cos she just heard about my breakup with the boyscout. right. that close to a year ago.  and this is not about the hostess in specifics, but family friends in general–kill me at christmas– but did they think i’ll be still wiping my eyes every 30 minutes or be hinding certain body parts because i’m dealing with emotional pain by cutting,  or that i’m just too weak to stand on my own? perhaps they are right. poor ping, always the emotional basketcase, so defenseless, such a great HELP  to her sister.

maybe i should start picking up my phone like this: “hi mum, major disappointment speaking.” or “hi, this is me, no-matter-how-much-i’ve-done-on-my-own, its-always-brushed-off-anyway, so why bother calling” or perhaps “hey, i’ve-just-graduated-my-ceremony-is-not-even-over-yet, but who-the-fuck-gives-a-fuck, but come, lets hear about your new thoughts, or your or lack of your study schedule, or your new car, or your new house, or your new relationship, or your new life, or your lack of  a study schedule, or your house renovations, or your tile colours, or your boyfriend problems, or your wonderful life, or what stresses you out, or the fact you can’t get along with your boss.

because hey, always the right hand anyway.

just step right over.

teenage angst 101. middle child syndrome. major disappointment.

call this whatever you want. i’m used to it anyway.

reluctancy

can’t help but feel that there’s a swarm of bees residing in my head–this dulled throb, this crazy buzzing that refuses to leave me or grant me rest from the many issues and infestations of my own mind.

its crazy, they say i take the easy way out, she says i’m always taking the easy way out. but at nights in the quiet of my own room, i marvel and wonder how in the world is this the easiest way. and the worst part of it is: there’s nowhere to run.

sure it’ll be great to hear “you can do anything, because you’re you, and i’m right behind you”, but its pointless when the originator doesn’t mean it, or snorts in disbelief behind your back.

i haven’t been writing much, i know, i apologise that some of you don’t get your weekly fodder to discuss over lunch with your pals, begining with “guess what c is up to?!”, but really i couldn’t care less at this point because my bathroom has no toilet bowl, my dogs are caged up and have been for a week (the cage is about half the size of my room, so no cruelty issues), and i am just generally in a funk, so those here to sniff around, go jump off a building, its much more fun.

for friends, like Z and Q and S, i miss you guys, i wish i could have been there, sorry my phone died last night. i hope you guys get stuff good these next few weeks whether in bumming or working or travelling to the lovely old country. ( i havent forgotten our date in 2017–ten years, on national day, from the date of planning)

Yanong: when are you exactly leaving?

Lavi: i want to join the abc class too, sounds how fun la.

Cher: we’ll do coffee soon. next week!

debs& stef: send me the ONE picture we have together pls!

li&ting: what would i do without you guys?

phuket

while i would love to upload photos of phuket, my better judgement tells me that its better not to be baring my soul and life for all who come and stiff and whisper. its funny. i very much subscribe to the “my blog my space my voice” school of thought, but recent times have taught me a very big lesson on “blog responsibilities” and how, despite it all, despite the rants and ravings and gushes and heartbreak/heartsong i feel i am entitled to on this space i call “mine”, I have to be fundamentally responsible, not hypocritical, but keep the balance between reality and the warped alternate universe that resides in my head.

to be very honest, phuket was a great getaway–sun, sea, sand and surf, from jet skis to romantic “secret beaches”–it says so on the map, that it’s a secret beach– to crazy roasted eggs and toasted corn to oodles of noodles, to seafood bbq every night, to roadside stalls and luxury villas.

more significantly, my formal education has come to its end, and oddly it isn’t a bittersweet, like it has been with other institutions, but a relief and a need to spend the next month sleeping and recovering from the smu-brain-drain. it is a weary knell, a weary kneel where i say, thank you for getting me through it, i’m through with it.

i have never been the most popular girl in school in all 4 fine institutions, i’ve never wittingly craved the profile or the spotlight, and while i have made amazing friends *you know who you are*, who i keep close and share more than laughs and tears with, for every school there were always those that could not stand the sight or sound of me. to these people i apologize, i know its probably due to my controversial views or my general misbehavior/misdemeanor. i hope you understand that it was never my intention to intimidate, or belittle, or interfere with you as per say. i also know that in my zealousness to enjoy my own friends i have made some feel left out or left behind, and again i am sorry.

many regrets, many painful lessons. trust me when i say, i struggle at times like these–to make sense of it all, and wonder where to even begin.

for those of you who know about the LYH scandal, its over, and i really had enough of it, i know some readers are toggling between this site and hers, owing as there are blog hits still that link from somewhere on that website, or perhaps vice versa. please just stop. i had enough and i dont want to have anything to do with her. please leave us both, a little dignity and a little magnanimity. i should have seen, i should have known that she was hurting, and at this point, it is easiest to lash out at everyone–i am embarrassed to be 23 and defending myself over such issues, and one day i am sure she’ll look back and be embarrassed about it too (maybe not, but i really dont care if she does); as far as i am concerned, HW and i were just friends and remain just friends, and i do not want to discuss her life story or the affairs that ensued, it has nothing to do with me, although being dragged into other people’s relationship problems is not really what i fancy doing with my time. enough to say, i was just there for him at that time they were in a tight spot, and events out of my control caused their dissolution.

 i have deleted the offensive (to her, not to me) comments, please stop it, i dont want to discuss the matter further.

cheers.

3 am woes

its almost the witching hour, and i am very dazed. not tired, just glassy-eyed.

i have not finished the chapter i spent the whole day on (CAN YOU BELIEVE I SPENT A DAY ON A CHAPTER!?); and i think i am now more confused than i was before. candycane says to just get down to doing it, dont care about the reasoning, and oh my god, its physics all over again.

i was supposed to be done with this BY 8pm. that didnt happen. and now, clearly i am still not done with it (2 sections to go); but i’ve shut down and i know it. nothing is quite going on behind these glass eyes.

and quite honestly, i am really am not kidding when i say i dont know if i can pass this.

should i sleep, and fight the fire tomorrow

or should i stay up and just push through.

 

either ways. tomorrow will be one hellava day.

please dont irritate, please dont frustrate. 

 

(that said, i think you’ve really gone abit mental– you’re old enough, fucking grow up and take up the responsibility for your own actions. go and get some counselling or find a religion, any religion that gives you some inkling of peace, man. leave me alone. i dont give a fuck about your sordid business. and quite honestly, i know a little-too-much-about-the situation, i wouldn’t piss me off if i were you, especially not when you have so many indiscretions. dont make me the bad guy because YOU couldn’t keep things going, or that YOU couldn’t keep your skirt down. don’t pin the problems YOU caused yourself on me. just fuck off, i had enough of you, get off my case, i’ll leave you alone.)