save you; matthew perryman jones

last week i shed tears over the scene in private practice to this song;
i love it.

wanna rock-n-roll
I wanna give my soul
I’m wanting to believe I’m not too old
Don’t wanna make it up
Don’t wanna letcha down
I wanna fly away
I’m stuck on the ground

CHORUS:
So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?

Watched all go by
Was it really true?
Is that what it was?
Was that really you?
I’m looking back again
Tracing back the threads
You said it was a mess
Or was it just in my head?

CHORUS (x2)

Somethings gotta break
You gotta swing the bat
Too many years of dying
Why is that?

CHORUS (x3)

Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?

Wouldn’t that save you?
Save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?

oh so quiet

been a while since i last had a nightmare, been sleeping great for ages.

must be this brink i’ve been living on, this crazy line between Despair and Adrenaline; these half-panic mode i’ve been nursing when it turned full blown on saturday night, my metabolism is shot to shits right about now, and the stomach churns (note to self to buy antacids), not to mention (do NOT mention) the pimples dotting the face.

i think it could also be that i havent seen my hufflepuff in ages: arrange for sunday peace-center pleeze! 2.30?

urgh. just urgh.

but my craze is made alot less because you sit there, patiently telling me to just get through it, because there’s someone to just whine to in these sleepless nights, because you drive down to be here, in my cool ‘hood.

sleeplessness is such an affliction.
this brain is on overdrive.

my rollercoaster ride

dear you,

its sunday and october’s coming to an end. how have you been, have you been well? i miss you a little on warm sundays like these. warm still sundays, they remind me of you, and of the times you’d curse and swear about my room and its oven tendencies, or how we’d refuse to leave the house, unless in extreme hunger, because of the heat. its as though the world stops moving today, or i’m trapped in this hot liquid suspension and muscle movement and speech and brain function slows to an eternal pace of the pendulum of an old grandfather’s clock. this afternoon heat makes my being formless, i’m awake 10 minutes, and already wilting.

uncle yamaguchi passed away this week, i wonder if you remember him, we had quite a few dinners with him. dad and mom flew off to japan on wed and came back yesterday. they took the last plane out once they heard the news. you know how much dad loved this man, so you can imagine how affected he was. dad, being dad, took it like a man, and i think in a way, its so romantic that only mum has seen him at his most vunerable state. japanese funerals sound complicated, i’m sorry i couldnt be there in a way, he was a lovely man. all my trips to japan (which are many many) were planned by uncle yamaguchi, he’d book us into hot springs resorts, he would arrange for us to experience a tatami hotel room, he’d bring us to disneyland and wait on the benches the whole day for us because he did not want to ride, but wanted to be around, he’d always remember to send us albums of photographs of us after each holiday, he’ll tell the same story of how during one karaoke session when i was 5, my kimono unravelled, one spring he sent us spring cotton kimonos, even though we dont have opportunities to wear it, because all girls should have spring kimonos, he’d send us presents at christmas, he called me pin pin, and taught me everytime he sees me how to write my name in kanji, he would laugh with my dad at the states of my love-life, and always asked to meet the significant boy of the moment.

i’ve been busy these days. busy to the point of worry and irritation. busy to the point of tears in the shower and that semi-conscious state of no-sleep because my head whirls with legal terms and report outlines. but i’m holding up, thanks to sheer support from people like twinkletoes, hufflepuff and mostly the pina colada. it surprises me how he takes my work more seriously than i’ve seen him take his (which i thought was impossible). it surprises me how crazy the week has been, and how nuts it is that everything culminates in the efforts i put in today.

october’s ending, boyscout. and christmas is a whiff away. i can’t wait. i can’t wait to smell the christmas tree in the house, i can’t wait for the orchard walk which we never got to take, i can’t wait to bask in the carols playing in the streets, i can’t wait for the christmas dinner with the family, i can’t wait to sew cooper a christmas hat and mango a christmas scarf, i can’t wait for carolling with the church people, i can’t wait for the magic in the air. i hope there is magic in the air this year–the last year was disappointing. christmas has always been my favourite time of the year. i dunno my plans this christmas, perhaps this year, who knows, i might be standing in the snow on christmas day. perhaps i’ll buy a red-and-green bikini and spend it on some beach resort, perhaps this year will be a quiet event with loved ones.

i hope you’re well.

love,
c

in response to your last post

have i seen evil in people?

sure, its everywhere around us: people lie, people cheat, people kill, people steal. its a terrible world we live in really, wars and threats and schemes and conflict. so terrible sometimes i wonder what really is my purpose of being here, how did the degradation of what should have been paradise happen, how much does this generation have to do to right the wrong of our forefathers, how much more does the next generation have to do to right our wrongs.

have i known evil in people personally?

no. evil is too strong a word. no one is inherrently evil, they are merely guided by a different (i say different, not wrong) set of principles and moral system. their criterion of “should i do this?” is just different, not flawed but different. and what they want and how they seek it, is just different that’s all. but i have been lied to, i have been cheated, i have been betrayed, i have been let down. just as i have lied, cheated, betrayed and let down–whether by circumstance or design, yes i have. does it make me less of a person, does it make me evil? i dont think so, it makes me human.

what have i done, what have i done?

i do not know. one moment, it is just me and twinkletoes sitting there doing our work. the next moment a bunch of friends come down for a conversation and a stop-by-for-5-minutes. the next thing i know, you arrive (which is as much a surprise for me as it is for you) and then you stalk off. i did not know you were even walking over, it was only after i turned to face outwards did i see you as you were sitting down. was i ignoring you? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation. was i doing it on purpose? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation. was i flaunting my friendship with person-in-question (PIQ)? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation.

what have i done, what have i done?

did i break apart your relationship? i was being there for a friend in the dumps, just as you would for a friend in the same position; just as PIQ was there for you. did i tell him to leave you? it was his decisions and a sum of both your actions (yours and his). did we spend our entire friendship talking bad about you? we’ve got a tons of other things to do like plan neighbourhood parties, like watch movies, like get massages/hip treatments, like talk about puzzles and our futures and past. do i hate you? if you re-read the emails that have been going back and forth between us, you’d realise i actually emphatise. (not sympathise, but emphatise) so what’s this secret code the both of you have, why did you guys get so close so fast? because i’ve seen him dressed as a king in our kindergarten play, because our parents know each other, because we stay a minute drive away from each other, because we used to hide under a bed and memorise fish facts, because i’ve seen him do a split and split his pants, just as he has seen me with hair down to my waist. because we met every night on the verge of tears, or crying over how love fled.

why should i explain it?

i don’t. i shouldn’t have to. as illogical the step is to jump from “they are together at the bench” to “they are bossom buddies that hang out” , as illogical the step is to jump from “they are together at the bench” to “he’s not talking to me, she must be the reason why”, as illogical as the step is to jump from “we broke up” to “he is not fighting for me to stay, it must be something she said”– as illogical as it is, i understand, because its something you want to believe. is that wrong? no. but i tell you very honestly, all this (mis)directed frustration and anger at me, is going to be useless because it wont solve your underlying conflicts. we’re not 15 anymore, we’re all going into the work force in a matter of months, weeks for you. step back and look at it all from a bigger picture. grow up–i’ve said time and again, i dont want to steal your boyfriend (or ex) or friends.

i will not apologise for being friends with PIQ either. he’s nice, he’s a friend. we sit and we talk about the crap-ass day we had, or the reports we have due. we talk about tiger onizukas. we talk about alcohol capacity or my lack thereof. we talk about my new guitar. we talk about the estate. we talk about opening water bottles for strangers. is that intimate? if you think so, then okay. will we become better friends? i do not know, but so what if we do? he has a right to friends, just as i do. will i ever say to him, “choose one of us”? no. because i’m not 8 yrs old. because its been a long time since i played the “i-friend-you” game. because he has a right to his own friends, even if we got really close. just as the ex has a right to his own decisions.

i’m sorry so much ugliness marrs your last term. well its a month to the finish, so you wont have to put up with it for long. if you were looking for an apology i have none to give. if not anything i am getting really annoyed at being lambasted for things that are conceived of your mind. i get lambasted for being there for a friend, my friend, a friend that watched me grow up and pulled my hair. i get lambasted for sitting at a bench where PIQ and friends happened to go for breaks, mind you i’ve been at that same bench the last year. i get lambasted for my existance in your ex’s life.

say what you want. yes, i live quite well with my conscience.

ask your friends, ask those who i know are your friends too. and ask and see if i’ve said anything untoward about you. i’m tired of this. this is the last time i’m clarifying myself to you. see this as a defensive measure. see this as an attack back. you’re going to interpret it the way you want to see it. i’ve got alot on my own plate and my own baggage to manage. please stop making your baggage my load to bear.

1. the ex and i are friends.
2. the PIQ and i are friends.

i’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable. i’m sorry if this makes you worry about what i say. but i’m not that great a manipulator, and i’m not that much of an operator. i do not have to explain my choices in friends, neither do i have to apologise for who i hang out with or where i hang out, or what we do. even if the ex wants to make me tiramisu, it is his prerogative. even if the PIQ gives me a lift home from school, its his prerogative. i’m not saying its happening. i’m just saying even if it does, it is not for you to dictate, neither are any of us waiting for your approval to be better friends. deal with it. i know this sounds harsh, but its true. i dont want to be cruel, but its really gotten crazy-out-of-hand.

find some peace. and good luck with life.

rain and tears are the same

i stood in the rain today.

the establishment by night has got to be one of my favourite places to be, the silent walkways and the lights that from a distance look like fairy lights. the silence, a welcomed change from the hustle and the bustle, of the ceaseless chatter and of the grumbling undertows of project work and term papers. its nice, time stands still, and one can’t help but marvel at the beauty of being in the heart of town, and yet away from it all.

twinkletoes and i had a good time of talking and walking, misty-eyed over a particular song, and shedding real ones over everything and yet nothing at all. when i think of you twinkletoes, this has gotta be my favourite day with you. i feel your heart, and i bleed for it, just so you know, you’re not alone.

the pinacolada came down to study, to be around. there are words i cannot say, but thank you. thank you for being there, for your loving heart, for your sensing of my moods, for your silly surprises, for your company, just because.

the establishment by night is beautiful, but the establishment by night by rain makes my heart soar.

after a skype call, long overdue with the boyscout; i walked out into the rain, alone and just stood there, face upturned, hands tucked in pockets and finally felt the rain on my face; finally get swept away in the symphony of the rain and listening to its whispers and languiding in its soft touches.

i dunno what it was, but something magical happened, perhaps one could call it a flight of fancy, a c-zone that was just me, and the raging thoughts in my head finally quietened down, suddenly a flutter of peace of mind, of being one with my body and soul and heart. just standing there, enjoying my thoughts.

the pinacolada and didi must think me mad, either that or they both knew its just a “celia-thing-to-do”

feeling mellow, feeling old: please do forgive the lack of chatter for the week, please do understand the time constraints (esp you the hufflepuff; i know something’s hurting you, i’m just a call away). so much due to be done this week, so much mind wringing this week.

a friend asked, so what does celia want right now? i said “cotton candy, pink pls”.

but what i really really want, right now, is to have someone pick up the slack, someone to say, its okay if your hands are tired, let me hold up your world for you. someone to say, don’t worry about the heart, i’ll keep it safe. someone to say i’ll put the magic back where it belongs, believe me, believe in me. someone to say i’ve got it covered. someone to be around, when i am studying, just because. someone to say, i’ll show you what cherishing means. someone to hold in the night. someone to say, stop worrying about the deadlines coming up, i’ll hold your hand through it all.

but i can’t hear any words over the buzzing in my ears.

perhaps, my heartsong is just lost in the static of the world.