Had a lovely dinner with my cousins today, and I sat there looking at all of them, all of us at various points in our lives — those with their own families, those who are getting married, those that are starting to date. Everyone with their own stories, of love found, love lost, exciting love, warm sated love, turbulent love, faithful love. I wish them all the very best of love and life and hope. What I would give to turn back the clock to primary school days where we would mill about my grandmother’s house and get up to crazy mischief.
These days I think about my grandparents alot, esp since my grandpa’s heart attack. I look at their marriage, arranged but lasted them all these years. That quiet way that Grandpa watches over her, the way she frets over grandpa.
I hope Denn and I get to experience growing old together, the same way grandma and grandpa did.
Forgive the ramble, today I am not stringing my thoughts together coherently. Some days are better than others, just as some nights are worse. Changes in the blueprint I so carefully crafted, etched so meticulously in my mind. I am not a meticulous person, one of the many flaws I have.
I don’t remember details or dates, when I have thoughts running through my mind, I totally zone out on conversation. Sometimes I think I try too hard, sometimes I think I try too little. Sometimes I feel I am always in complete control and that tires me, sometimes I feel I have nothing within my control and everything is going wrong.
Some days I think I am inadequate, as a wife. As a daughter. As a daughter in law. As a sister. As a friend. As a head of my organisation. As a team member. As a person. Some days I wish to throw it all into the wind, and yet some days I close my fist around every thing I have to make sure no one else can have it.
Does that make sense to you? This crazy riptide pulls me under, and right now I think “Go to bed, c. Count your blessings”.