things to get used to

sleeping alone, in a  too big bed.

those hours between 1pm and 9pm– crossyourfingersandhope that nothing bad happens to you cos you cant tell him cos of the time difference

having to figure out your own weekend plans

not being in contact

having to be satisfied with measly 5 minute conversations before he has better things to do or you have to rush off for meetings

realising that you’ve got no way of acertaining if he’s doing what he’s saying he’s doing

knowing there is no reprieve or weekends to make up for it

accepting that when he’s out of reception or if his phone died, you end up staying up half the night fretting about whether he got mugged on the train.


i’m watching this series

i’ve watched the 2nd half of the series with the boyf before he left, it was a huge race against time to finish it because he was leaving– we watched the last 60 of the 120+ episodes.

and i decided to watch 1-60 on my own and and spending this night, wiping the tears at the this love story between two 50+ yrs olds, who were first loves, but due to family objection ended up married to other people, had children, and their respective spouses passed away. so now, slightly more aged, they finally got married and are blushing on their honeymoon.

nothing quite like a korean show on a cold lonely night such as this.

bronco has a dry patch of skin on his privates (his dangos). it was peeling as if they were sunburnt. haha. i blushed for a minute, then applied peach moisturizer on them. he actually looked affronted by my efforts.

d is settled in NY and is enjoying the sights and sounds.


the boyf left last night, it went okay. more okay than i expected. i am fine i guess, a little sad, a little lonely, but not ready to go out for dinners and meals as yet to catch up with friends. i think the weekend will be the worst, but i am sure i’ll settle into a routine soon enough. books, tv, simple meals.

it just takes a little getting used to, right??

lao phua sent an invite to go k-box with the brothers on sat, i am thankful that they included me, although i’ve already got plans. vishal sends his concerns as well, and i am very pleasantly surprised at this level of concern everyone has shown. 

its a little unnerving, this feeling of all of them not being around (werewolf, hufflepuff and pea) all left yesterday night, on separate flights. feeling quite winded from having the rug pulled out from under me.


the boyf leaves in a few days, he’s off to the beautiful big apple, the city of endless possibilities, fast-paced walking, coffee and lotsa booze. i think the pea will love the absolute hustle and bustle, he is at heart, a city boy. oddly enough the only plan he has so far for NY is to go on a fishing trip (!!!) to “experience the great outdoors” with zhengs and winston. haha. i can just imagine the pea, sitting there, bored as fuck, waiting for those pretty fish to bite. and oh my. the hand-washing to come after catching a fish.

i am not dealing too well with his departure, i cannot lie. its just one of those “i know its only for a year” but there are certain olde fears that follow me, especially late at nights when i lie awake, unable to fall asleep. i wonder how things will be without him. my part-time odd-job labourer, general driver, unwilling accounts assistant, contract-drafter, food-finisher.

i miss miss my pea, muchos.

this sucks.

missing him

a few days back, d and i stopped the car in his estate to talk–away from people and away from handphones. and we saw a maid walking 2 dogs, away from us. a golden retriever and a german shepherd. 

my heart actually ached. literally.

i miss cooper, with a very fiery ache. 

i see his breed everywhere, even in my place of work. and i always turn up my nose because they are short-coated, or ugly-snouted, or too puny-small, or no-distinguished expression or look. something is always wrong. and i thought it was just me looking through tinted lenses. 

but No. it is the Truth, that Cooper really was a superior specimen of his breed (except his legs were too long) but i still haven’t seen another one i’ve been bowled over. his long shaggy coat, his keen ears, his huge bones, his many varied expressions, his gentle nature, his insecurity without mango, his ability to pose for pictures. but most of all, most of all (and here the tears start) i miss how he’d let me cuddle him for as long as i want, and how he can actually fall asleep cuddling.

the prefect took this picture:

it’s not cooper.

it is one of his siblings from 2 batches below, when we went over to take a look at the puppies out of curiosity. they do look so fantastically alike. unfortunately cooper’s mom died after this litter, and so did his father soon after. so therein ends the line. i wish i wasn’t so aggrieved then, i would have thickened my hide and asked for one. bought one from them even, at full price, just for a bit of cooper here with me.

they’ve all found good homes so i hear. thankfully the family that owns them is close to dad–i do wish we could get one from the next generation. oh, i would call the new pup CooperTwo. 

most of all, i miss those sunday naps with cooper.

cooper’s ashes are buried in my garden, if i look out of my window i can see the spot underneath which the urn lies. 

so for now, i guess i’d soon have a part of him, through CooperTwo.