that’s what i have been doing the last 2 days. mind you, i couldn’t have picked a worse time for this darkcloud, because its the mother’s and the prefect’s birthday weekend.
i went to bed last night, fuming and heaving, and couldn’t get to sleep till this morning at 7am, that’s 2 nights in a row, 7 am bedtime. today i woke up, and just could not muster up anything –be it strength or guts or enthusiasm or courage- to go to work. so i called the tinkerbel, who of course sympathised (actually she sympathised at 4.30 am last night when i smsed to ask if she was awake), and told me to rest my sore head. i think she knew what was coming before i did.
then by 10 am, i was on the phone to aussieland, bawling with the breastie, and wallowing in anger and upsets and hurts and pity and indignance.
i think it was a good long cry. then i spoke to tinkerbel, who understood everything without me having to say it out loud, and i am grateful.
i’m still prickly, i have an immensely sour mood and i was just trying not to ruin it for mum or ann. i pretty much ruined ann’s 2nd birthday dinner last night (24th, the actual day), but she was upset with the situation too so we both had a bad night, then we both went to taka to just get away from the situation. we caught the last 10 minutes of the kino sale, and i can officially drive to taka and take on the cockscrew there.
had a long heart to heart with little foot when i got home, she was there, to just listen and comiserate. she always could tell when i’ve gotten into a fight, or have been fighting with myself, and i am also thankful for the heart-to-heart.
my father suggested, that perhaps i have a split personality disorder. i am not okay. i am tired. i loved how they both (breastie and tinkerbel) knew just how to leave me alone, just not prod or probe to satisfy curiousity. i am sick of that. the why why why are you upset why are you stressed why are you angry why are you.. stop asking me why and just let me be. i do not know why. i just am.
so yes. this is me, admitting, i am not okay.
i dont want to talk, and no i don’t want to share my thoughts or feelings or anger with anyone. i dont want to explain why–it is a confluence of events, and i cannot begin to tell you where it ends or begins. don’t ask me why. and please don’t try to doctor it, ie take it apart and tell me about my subconscious. don’t give me solutions. yes, this time, fuck it, it’s ALL about me.
just to set the record straight, i haven’t been brawling with the pea, the pea and i are fine. i think he’s a little amused at my hysterics but otherwise has been running interference. good job pea.
we (the pea and i) leave for cambodia this thursday morning–i cannot wait, i just want to go and wash my hands of this emo-ness. it couldnt have come at a more opportune time.
for now, i just need to be left alone.