h1n1

first case confirmed in singapore. the day before i am due to leave for cambodia.

so far we’re still not on high alert. called NATAs they havent even got a press statement yet. called Pricebreakers, our travel agent, they say to proceed.

well well, will wait and see what NATAs say when they get back to me.

o_O

it does seem however, this girl went to GP on the same day she returned and from there straight to the CDC. (per Channel news asia reports). so apparently contact was limited, which is good.

keeping fingers crossed. to go or not to go?

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round two, fight!

we had round two tonight, with added fighters.

storm in a teacup, storm in a teacup. my teacup.

and the worst thing is, the person who stirs up the storm walks away unscath.

the prefect cried today, i cried today. oddly, i’ve grown numb.

i dont give a fuck anymore. i mean it. this is it. this is where i draw the line. can’t hurt me no more because i dont give a flying fuck anymore.

bawling & brawling

that’s what i have been doing the last 2 days. mind you, i couldn’t have picked a worse time for this darkcloud, because its the mother’s and the prefect’s birthday weekend.

i went to bed last night, fuming and heaving, and couldn’t get to sleep till this morning at 7am, that’s 2 nights in a row, 7 am bedtime. today i woke up, and just could not muster up anything –be it strength or guts or enthusiasm or courage- to go to work. so i called the tinkerbel, who of course sympathised (actually she sympathised at 4.30 am last night when i smsed to ask if she was awake), and told me to rest my sore head. i think she knew what was coming before i did.

then by 10 am, i was on the phone to aussieland, bawling with the breastie, and wallowing in anger and upsets and hurts and pity and indignance.

i think it was a good long cry. then i spoke to tinkerbel, who understood everything without me having to say it out loud, and i am grateful.

i’m still prickly, i have an immensely sour mood and i was just trying not to ruin it for mum or ann. i pretty much ruined ann’s 2nd birthday dinner last night (24th, the actual day), but she was upset with the situation too so we both had a bad night, then we both went to taka to just get away from the situation. we caught the last 10 minutes of the kino sale, and i can officially drive to taka and take on the cockscrew there.

had a long heart to heart with little foot when i got home, she was there, to just listen and comiserate. she always could tell when i’ve gotten into a fight, or have been fighting with myself, and i am also thankful for the heart-to-heart.

my father suggested, that perhaps i have a split personality disorder. i am not okay. i am tired. i loved how they both (breastie and tinkerbel) knew just how to leave me alone, just not prod or probe to satisfy curiousity. i am sick of that. the why why why are you upset why are you stressed why are you angry why are you.. stop asking me why and just let me be. i do not know why. i just am.

so yes. this is me, admitting, i am not okay.

i dont want to talk, and no i don’t want to share my thoughts or feelings or anger with anyone. i dont want to explain why–it is a confluence of events, and i cannot begin to tell you where it ends or begins.  don’t ask me why. and please don’t try to doctor it, ie take it apart and tell me about my subconscious. don’t give me solutions. yes, this time, fuck it, it’s ALL about me.

just to set the record straight, i haven’t been brawling with the pea, the pea and i are fine. i think he’s a little amused at my hysterics but otherwise has been running interference. good job pea.

we (the pea and i) leave for cambodia this thursday morning–i cannot wait, i just want to go and wash my hands of this emo-ness. it couldnt have come at a more opportune time.

for now, i just need to be left alone.

flying under the radar

i dunno what it is, but something in my room is making me sneeze, save the sniggers, my room is not dusty. the last 2 nights i slept in my room has seen me wheezing and sneezing. but oddly, in the day in exactly the same position i am fine.

bronco has become a real nightmare– he is really really REALLY terrified by thunders, and shakes uncontrollable and whines and cries. then hyperventilates (it sure sounds like he is, either that or REALLY fast breathing.) he roams about aimlessly looking for a safe place to be, but cant seem to settle down so i end up cuddling him the whole night against my chest (i’m hoping  the heartbeat will soothe him) the pea, the prefect and myself haven’t quite managed to figure out the sure fix answer. previous night the pea and i didnt come back, so i arranged for the prefect to take care of him–ho ho! she had the chance to experience it first hand.

blood letting

i thought blood letting was a primitive medical procedure, but i had it performed on me today. horror of horrors.

well, some sort of a blood letting. TCM. haha. i exaggerate. well she used the words blood letting in chinese, but in actual fact she pricked me with pretty long acupuncture needles and then stuck the sucking cup thing on it to draw out the blood.

i was very brave. the pea in the next room sounded quite horrified but i was very brave.

anyway, this is all because i have inflammations in both my shoulders which has resulted in me having super stiff shoulders that cause hurt when i lift my arms, even driving hurts. an hour and a half of kneading and rubbing and acupuncture and i feel much better, now i smell like a walking herbal packet, and really should go and shower.

crawlin’

those who know me closely would know it is rare that this girl comes crawling home at 3.3o am in the morning. very rare.

tonight is one of those nights and i’m quite thankful to (now) be home, nursing this bout of PMS.

its an odd night, a busy night–i can’t understand this life of entertaining, and i am ever thankful for the tinkerbel and the father for planning everything so it took off the stress.

curled up in bed with bronco is right where i want to be.