tonight i am plagued by old childhood insercurities i thought i have grown out of, feelings i have not had in a long while.
maybe its just my sunday-is-over dread, but really, i’m feeling just very under-accomplished. i know the score: i have alot to be thankful and proud of. but tonight, i wonder, why the hell aren’t i doing more. find a new challenge, work at restructuring; refine the concept plans, push new products, develop new things, redesign work spaces. do something, ANYTHING! there is always something to do about the company, right? shouldn’t i be doing it? i feel under-utilised, i feel dispensable, i feel replaceable. when its your own business, you need to create your own waves. whether the company grows or stagnates, its on your shoulders. i need to do MORE.
what sparked this off? denn telling me he needs an hour more to finish his work, at 12.40 am when i am lying in bed, reading my latest book by Lisa Gardner. and then suddenly i sat up thinking, even denn is working — and it isn’t even his own company. why the hell am i not working! small-business-owner guilt maybe. i read an article interviewing a once-close friend of mine who runs her own business — she works 21 hours a day. sleeps for 3, then goes to work. and i remember thinking wow, wow, wow. when i grow up i want to be like her. and i look at my own operations, and i think — can’t i do more. i want to do more. i need time (which i don’t have) to do it. there’s something downright sick, to want to be that worked.
i’m exhausted, ready for bed. then another me (this can’t be, this can’t be) sits up and screams oh my god, i need to pack my table now, i need to get started on my plan to soft-copy all the important documents and make arrangements to have that all-powerful server that will serve as backup and anywhere-in-the-world access, and i get to declutter the pile and the ba-billion files in the office. can you tell my thoughts are all over the place and fragmented.
its been a while since i wrote like this. just all the thoughts i have in my head as they come (need to do payroll tomorrow. want to redo pay slip formats.. finish packing, start work on oct’s claims- where the hell did october go??). wow, i am having some form of a work-anxiety attack. and by tomorrow i’d be fine. i write for me, and no one else, because writing is cathartic — and calms my nerves. also because my mind whirls faster than my typing speed, so the thoughts are forced to slow down — and be analysed.
breathe in, breathe out. i will not step into the office at this time. because i am too flustered to work (see??? see what i mean??). take out pencil, write a work plan — and execute it tomorrow. then take out kindle and force myself to keep reading.
Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary
There is scarcely any sin against which our Lord Jesus more warns his disciples, than disquieting, distracting, distrustful cares about the things of this life. This often insnares the poor as much as the love of wealth does the rich. But there is a carefulness about temporal things which is a duty, though we must not carry these lawful cares too far. Take no thought for your life. Not about the length of it; but refer it to God to lengthen or shorten it as he pleases; our times are in his hand, and they are in a good hand. Not about the comforts of this life; but leave it to God to make it bitter or sweet as he pleases. Food and raiment God has promised, therefore we may expect them. Take no thought for the morrow, for the time to come. Be not anxious for the future, how you shall live next year, or when you are old, or what you shall leave behind you. As we must not boast of tomorrow, so we must not care for to-morrow, or the events of it. God has given us life, and has given us the body. And what can he not do for us, who did that? If we take care about our souls and for eternity, which are more than the body and its life, we may leave it to God to provide for us food and raiment, which are less. Improve this as an encouragement to trust in God. We must reconcile ourselves to our worldly estate, as we do to our stature. We cannot alter the disposals of Providence, therefore we must submit and resign ourselves to them. Thoughtfulness for our souls is the best cure of thoughtfulness for the world. Seek first the kingdom of God, and make religion your business: say not that this is the way to starve; no, it is the way to be well provided for, even in this world. The conclusion of the whole matter is, that it is the will and command of the Lord Jesus, that by daily prayers we may get strength to bear us up under our daily troubles, and to arm us against the temptations that attend them, and then let none of these things move us. Happy are those who take the Lord for their God, and make full proof of it by trusting themselves wholly to his wise disposal. Let thy Spirit convince us of sin in the want of this disposition, and take away the worldliness of our hearts.