H is for hiatus

I took a six month hiatus; purposefully. Because it has always been my personal policy to not delete my blogposts, after the fact. This six months have been a crazy roller coaster of emotions — who knows what i would have said in my haze of sleeplessness, overprotectiveness and hypersensitivity. Giving birth was the easy part.

Hormones, get your act together already, damnit! It’s been six months and I am neither regulated nor settled. Could it be all the progesterone I took throughout the pregnancy? I do not know. Hot flushes, bloatedness, irritability — everyday. Could I be projecting all these ills on hormones when it could really just be a lack of sleep? or seperation anxiety from the forev-boyf who is based now in the great big US of A?

Anyway, I am resigned to looking 3 months pregnant ( I am not! Hold on to your galloping underpants! ) and have finally signed up for gym. (Yoga, specifically)

Some mornings are better than others.

My cheerful heartsong, however, wakes up in a completely different mood than mine. Excuse my voice. It’s a special pitch reserved just for E. She is, clearly the better part of me. sometimes i wonder if that means i am running on deficit.

F is for Fragment 

4am thoughts are unkind to the soul, especially when the bed is empty and work stress creeps in. I know parenthood is supposed to be this wonderful new phase of life, but this night I wonder if somewhere along the lines I lost myself in the melee.     Art by kurt Halsey

I sometimes joke that E is the new and improved versions of D and I. She has the best of both of us– mainly she takes after her father, and bless him, he is the most patient person. E is gentle and settled, secured and cheerful– and sometimes I wish I had those qualities too.  Parenthood brings out the best in us, and the worst of us — and both have surprised me. Heights and depths, I wonder how much of it is a natural process and how much is me. D tells me, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s happening and we deal with it accordingly.

I hope being a parent makes me a better person.

I met an old friend recently, and thought back on the person I was when we were close– and i ask myself, how do I go back to that? Then I think, what does that mean? Do I like my younger self more, or do I just not like the me I have become?

And while this all sounds juvenile (and trust me, I am way past the “who am I?” Age) I wonder if this is what we call the human condition.  I babble, because my mind whirls with a million thought processes at the same time.

Long day tomorrow– I hate long weekends; they make the Monday (metaphorically speaking) blues that much worse.

A run through my mind

Hi Elizabeth,

we have been on bed rest the last few days since we found out about the dilation. I am not entirely sure if bed rest is really effective (too many conflicting articles online) but your daddy (supported by grandma tan and grandpa lim) seem to think so. I have been outvoted so I have to stay in bed until Wednesday when we go and see the gynae for a review of the situation.

Mummy hates bed rest. I thought I would love the idea of staying in bed all day reading my books or playing my crazy Japanese pixel games or crocheting. But now that I can’t do anything else I am totally melting from watching the clock. Your poor daddy. He bears the worst of my clock watching obsession. I wait for him to come home. Then hound him to talk to me. Then get upset because his life is seemingly so normal still (haha, normal is relative). Then I feel sorry I bitched at him for no reason. Then feel sorry for myself. Press repeat.

You have been very active in there. And it’s funny. It gives me a lot of comfort to feel you dancing in there. That is Some kinda music you’re imagining though.. cos it gets quite exciting watching from out here. You kicked xiao yiyi really hard today. She liked it.

See you on ultrasound tomorrow cuteface! For now, here’s a drawing of the tight quarters you have in there.


A valentine’s day to remember

34 weeks in, and we just found out that I’m 2 cm dilated! No contraction though, gynae says it’s unusual but not alarming. Got a shot of steroids to help Elizabeth’s Lungs develop a little faster, and we are monitoring the cervix opening rate for the next few days. No romance this Valentine’s day. Denn and I are both bushed trying to get stuff in order.. insurance, hospitable bag, administration, etc. So its anytime, from the next few hours, to the next few weeks. We are preparing for a prematured baby, but are praying for her to stay in there as long as possible.

Elizabeth, is doing fine, nestled quite high in the womb and showing no signs of desending. Which is good news. She is healthy and safe, active and responsive, which is in itself a gift already. We finally have some partial 3D imaging. She is a little squished because she has her face pushed up against my uterus. My lips, clearly, but all other features seem to be all daddy’s.



That also means I have started officially panicking about getting work out of the way. I was supposed to have 6 weeks! Why like that?! Which is why, at 3.30 am last night I was tossing and turning in bed like a fish on land. Gave up and went to clear some work admin till about 5.30 pm.

But well, God is teaching us a lesson in faith and surrender. I think surrender is one of the things I find hardest to give to God. To surrender to His will and His Grace. To know he has it all under control in his own time, and really there is nothing I can do about it, but pray.

A little sleep please

Hello precious,

We hit 32 weeks! That’s 8 months– who knew 8 months would go by so quickly! We saw you just last week and you weighed in at approx 1.67 kg and seem to be very tall with some fuzz growing on your head already.


The technology employed in even being able to “see” your head of hair astounds me. We don’t have a good ultrasound photo of you, because you seem to love facing my spine. (Your spine is beautiful, darling). We see you again in 13 days. This is the photo I took and sent to your godmothers Steph, Rach, and Jingx who love you and constantly ask how you are doing.

You have been active and responsive.. especially when daddy gives you your nightly oil rubs. There are days where you totally distort mummy’s tummy that I can’t help but laugh and rub your head (or butt, we can’t tell from this side) even as you wake me up from sleep.
While I had a very dreamy 2nd trimester feeling tired all the time, taking frequent naps of deep sleep. 3rd trimester seems to be a sleepless one. For a couple of nights now you kick me awake at 3 am and boogie in the womb. Tonight you woke me at 1 am. It’s 2 am as I write this, and my baby, you haven’t settled yet. I hope you are just dancing and not fretting.

Daddy is looking forward to seeing you. There are nights where he sneaks his hand on my tummy before he sleeps (and waking you and me up in the process). He has been a little obsessive about your impending physical needs once out of the water world and frets over car seats, pillows and air quality. He just bought you a very expensive vacuum cleaner which promises to spare no dustmites up to 10 cm of your bed. I am not sure if your cot mattress is even 10 cm.

Kor kors Quentin and Evan can’t wait to see you either, and they both try and kiss you (through my tums) as much as they can. The four of us took a bubble bath the other day. Actually they asked to bubble bath with you, I was just a tag – along. They tried valiantly to cover you in bubbles but you kicked and squirmed and gave them a really good show. Evan even thought you were trying to “get out”.

Try and stay off mummy’s bladder please, ok baby?

A thankful heart

It took me a long while to get to this state, this state of somewhat contentment and quietness. I have always had a problem with life changing seasons, but this shook me (and Denn) quite hard.

Elizabeth, Darling, you are truly my child, so much drama from conception. (How unfair for Daddy, who was such an independent contented baby). From hormone inbalance (and resulting treatment), UTIs, bleeding, then that best-forgotten bout of severe nausea that saw Mummy having to go for drip, to this awful symphysis pubis dysfunction and having to wear this strange contraption:


It’s such been an exciting journey. Please baby, enough drama ok? Let’s just do the rest of it with fortitude and gentleness and joyfulness.

I am thankful for:

A very loving partner who sees the worst of me, and makes me feel treasured

Supportive and indulgent parents and inlaws who drive me around, make me bird’s nest, give in to my often poor food choices and cloak me with so much everything.

Siblings (and their plus ones) from both sides who spend time accompanying, carry bags, gift awesome presents and advice, drive me places, take over work duties and just show so much interest in baby’s milestones.

Faithful Friends who uphold baby in prayer and thoughts of light and love. Your friendship nourishes my soul, from whatsapp conversations to phone calls to meet ups –  you guys know who you are – you made those unbearable first 3 months so much better. Thank you for your sustainance.

Tireless collegues at work who cover all manner of inadequacies. I am in your debt.

Attentive helpers at home, who do every thing including giving me a boost out of bed when I can’t seem to get up.

Excellent Doctors that accurately diagnose and heal, often in the nick of time. Our amazing gynae that was very sharp to pick up the hormone deficiency, saved Elizabeth when we were teeter tottering on the edge. Our tenacious family doctor, who has been our source of so much comfort and valuable advice. And our sports specialist who is unfailingly trying to make sure I can still walk in my final trimester.

There is so much to be thankful for, this special season.

A trotter or two

Daughter of mine, in the last week, it’s quite as if you just piled on the weight like a trucker. We are at 25 weeks, darling. Almost midway. I took a side profile photo today and I got quite a shock.


Wow Wee. You kicked daddy the other day, and while the both of you had fun, I assure you, my baby, that it was not comfortable for me. Please stop bouncing on my bladder, ok? It’s not a jump jump.

You are in perfect health, says your doctor. So I am mighty pleased. God is kind. And as all your fantastic aunties Rachael, Stephanie and Jingxi keep reminding me that you are wonderfully made, knitted together by God.

Mummy is however not feeling too spritely these days. I have been diagnosed to have symphysis pubis dysfunction, which makes it painful to walk or turn in bed. Today we start aggressive physio. It’s not so bad, to spend an hour twice a week getting rubbed and stretched.

Daddy has a grand plan of doing our confinement for us and wants to stay home a month with us before he leaves for the states. Oh sweetie, you will break your father’s heart when he has to leave. It’s just for 6 months anyway, and we will see him on Skype and hear his voice.

We’ll be ok. All 3 of us.

We love you so. Even if you give me  trotters for feet.