A run through my mind

Hi Elizabeth,

we have been on bed rest the last few days since we found out about the dilation. I am not entirely sure if bed rest is really effective (too many conflicting articles online) but your daddy (supported by grandma tan and grandpa lim) seem to think so. I have been outvoted so I have to stay in bed until Wednesday when we go and see the gynae for a review of the situation.

Mummy hates bed rest. I thought I would love the idea of staying in bed all day reading my books or playing my crazy Japanese pixel games or crocheting. But now that I can’t do anything else I am totally melting from watching the clock. Your poor daddy. He bears the worst of my clock watching obsession. I wait for him to come home. Then hound him to talk to me. Then get upset because his life is seemingly so normal still (haha, normal is relative). Then I feel sorry I bitched at him for no reason. Then feel sorry for myself. Press repeat.

You have been very active in there. And it’s funny. It gives me a lot of comfort to feel you dancing in there. That is Some kinda music you’re imagining though.. cos it gets quite exciting watching from out here. You kicked xiao yiyi really hard today. She liked it.

See you on ultrasound tomorrow cuteface! For now, here’s a drawing of the tight quarters you have in there.

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A valentine’s day to remember

34 weeks in, and we just found out that I’m 2 cm dilated! No contraction though, gynae says it’s unusual but not alarming. Got a shot of steroids to help Elizabeth’s Lungs develop a little faster, and we are monitoring the cervix opening rate for the next few days. No romance this Valentine’s day. Denn and I are both bushed trying to get stuff in order.. insurance, hospitable bag, administration, etc. So its anytime, from the next few hours, to the next few weeks. We are preparing for a prematured baby, but are praying for her to stay in there as long as possible.

Elizabeth, is doing fine, nestled quite high in the womb and showing no signs of desending. Which is good news. She is healthy and safe, active and responsive, which is in itself a gift already. We finally have some partial 3D imaging. She is a little squished because she has her face pushed up against my uterus. My lips, clearly, but all other features seem to be all daddy’s.

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That also means I have started officially panicking about getting work out of the way. I was supposed to have 6 weeks! Why like that?! Which is why, at 3.30 am last night I was tossing and turning in bed like a fish on land. Gave up and went to clear some work admin till about 5.30 pm.

But well, God is teaching us a lesson in faith and surrender. I think surrender is one of the things I find hardest to give to God. To surrender to His will and His Grace. To know he has it all under control in his own time, and really there is nothing I can do about it, but pray.

A little sleep please

Hello precious,

We hit 32 weeks! That’s 8 months– who knew 8 months would go by so quickly! We saw you just last week and you weighed in at approx 1.67 kg and seem to be very tall with some fuzz growing on your head already.

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The technology employed in even being able to “see” your head of hair astounds me. We don’t have a good ultrasound photo of you, because you seem to love facing my spine. (Your spine is beautiful, darling). We see you again in 13 days. This is the photo I took and sent to your godmothers Steph, Rach, and Jingx who love you and constantly ask how you are doing.

You have been active and responsive.. especially when daddy gives you your nightly oil rubs. There are days where you totally distort mummy’s tummy that I can’t help but laugh and rub your head (or butt, we can’t tell from this side) even as you wake me up from sleep.
While I had a very dreamy 2nd trimester feeling tired all the time, taking frequent naps of deep sleep. 3rd trimester seems to be a sleepless one. For a couple of nights now you kick me awake at 3 am and boogie in the womb. Tonight you woke me at 1 am. It’s 2 am as I write this, and my baby, you haven’t settled yet. I hope you are just dancing and not fretting.

Daddy is looking forward to seeing you. There are nights where he sneaks his hand on my tummy before he sleeps (and waking you and me up in the process). He has been a little obsessive about your impending physical needs once out of the water world and frets over car seats, pillows and air quality. He just bought you a very expensive vacuum cleaner which promises to spare no dustmites up to 10 cm of your bed. I am not sure if your cot mattress is even 10 cm.

Kor kors Quentin and Evan can’t wait to see you either, and they both try and kiss you (through my tums) as much as they can. The four of us took a bubble bath the other day. Actually they asked to bubble bath with you, I was just a tag – along. They tried valiantly to cover you in bubbles but you kicked and squirmed and gave them a really good show. Evan even thought you were trying to “get out”.

Try and stay off mummy’s bladder please, ok baby?

A thankful heart

It took me a long while to get to this state, this state of somewhat contentment and quietness. I have always had a problem with life changing seasons, but this shook me (and Denn) quite hard.

Elizabeth, Darling, you are truly my child, so much drama from conception. (How unfair for Daddy, who was such an independent contented baby). From hormone inbalance (and resulting treatment), UTIs, bleeding, then that best-forgotten bout of severe nausea that saw Mummy having to go for drip, to this awful symphysis pubis dysfunction and having to wear this strange contraption:

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It’s such been an exciting journey. Please baby, enough drama ok? Let’s just do the rest of it with fortitude and gentleness and joyfulness.

I am thankful for:

A very loving partner who sees the worst of me, and makes me feel treasured

Supportive and indulgent parents and inlaws who drive me around, make me bird’s nest, give in to my often poor food choices and cloak me with so much everything.

Siblings (and their plus ones) from both sides who spend time accompanying, carry bags, gift awesome presents and advice, drive me places, take over work duties and just show so much interest in baby’s milestones.

Faithful Friends who uphold baby in prayer and thoughts of light and love. Your friendship nourishes my soul, from whatsapp conversations to phone calls to meet ups –  you guys know who you are – you made those unbearable first 3 months so much better. Thank you for your sustainance.

Tireless collegues at work who cover all manner of inadequacies. I am in your debt.

Attentive helpers at home, who do every thing including giving me a boost out of bed when I can’t seem to get up.

Excellent Doctors that accurately diagnose and heal, often in the nick of time. Our amazing gynae that was very sharp to pick up the hormone deficiency, saved Elizabeth when we were teeter tottering on the edge. Our tenacious family doctor, who has been our source of so much comfort and valuable advice. And our sports specialist who is unfailingly trying to make sure I can still walk in my final trimester.

There is so much to be thankful for, this special season.

A trotter or two

Daughter of mine, in the last week, it’s quite as if you just piled on the weight like a trucker. We are at 25 weeks, darling. Almost midway. I took a side profile photo today and I got quite a shock.

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Wow Wee. You kicked daddy the other day, and while the both of you had fun, I assure you, my baby, that it was not comfortable for me. Please stop bouncing on my bladder, ok? It’s not a jump jump.

You are in perfect health, says your doctor. So I am mighty pleased. God is kind. And as all your fantastic aunties Rachael, Stephanie and Jingxi keep reminding me that you are wonderfully made, knitted together by God.

Mummy is however not feeling too spritely these days. I have been diagnosed to have symphysis pubis dysfunction, which makes it painful to walk or turn in bed. Today we start aggressive physio. It’s not so bad, to spend an hour twice a week getting rubbed and stretched.

Daddy has a grand plan of doing our confinement for us and wants to stay home a month with us before he leaves for the states. Oh sweetie, you will break your father’s heart when he has to leave. It’s just for 6 months anyway, and we will see him on Skype and hear his voice.

We’ll be ok. All 3 of us.

We love you so. Even if you give me  trotters for feet.

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A Dramatic life

5.15 am.. The baby has finally settled down after a surprisingly fretful bladder kicking.

Today has been a funny day with new friends and old texting to check up on me and wanting to catch up. I think this is the season for me to rekindle old ties. I must have done something right, all these years to have such faithful friends.. either that or I sure know how to pick them right!

I had a chat recently with an old friend of mine, about the place we find ourselves emotionally. That at 29 (one more week!) comes a certain grounding; this obvious distaste for dramatic encounters and god knows, I have had way too much drama in my life. Stop sniggering, friends. We all know who I am talking about.

Makes me thankful, deeply for D, who showed me love was not about the dramatic highs and lows. That it is not meant to be a battle of wills or grand gestures, but that warm security in the night – that he is who he says he is, and loves the way he claims because in all these years,  he has been constant and unchanging.

5 am mornings

Dear baby,

You’re fretting in me today, waking mummy up with a rather alarming heartburn then leg cramp. Daddy woke up too, hearing mummy’s sudden change in breathing (or chugging like a freight train to breathe through the cramp).

It’s 5 am, and mummy is wide awake and staring at the ceiling fan, cuddling pepper. She is also annoyed because she was sound asleep until the chugging.

I hope the dogs like you, darling, and vice versa. It would break my heart if you guys didn’t get along.