I had a
small meltdown today; and I feel awful for it. It has been a fissure waiting to gush for a while now, and a completely-unexpected circumstance which sparked of this name-calling, finger-stabbing, foul-thinking, self-pitying tirade which shocked even myself.
So I kinda expected some tears, I did not expect the torrent of words-I-will-always-regret-saying.
I thought after the worse had past (I had dinner with the BFF, and our dear brother who is back from Shang hai) and I am somewhat soothed, I would feel better but I don’t. I feel downright petty and mean and cruel and out of control. I haven’t quite lost my temper this badly in a long while; there goes my new year’s resolution to be gentle.
I really wish Denn were here; but he’s sound asleep in Osaka. And I don’t have the heart to wake him cos he’s been sleeping so little and working so hard.
At times like this, I really really think, how to be a mother? How could I want a child, and yet fly off the earth like that. I don’t know anything about being a parent and at this point, it’s probably a good time to talk to Denn about this. We keep saying maybe next year, maybe next year. But it’s been almost 30 years, and I haven’t quite learnt to deal with myself; much less be responsible for the physical safety and moral development of another life?