a cuppa of 4am melancholy

(Picture and Coffee Art by Ryan Tan)

i woke up at 4 am, disoriented and drowsy, and completely weirded out by this dream i had. it wasn’t a scary dream, but the kinda dream that puts you on the edge, as if you just heard the screeching of chalk on the blackboard. dreamt of places i haven’t seen, and people i thought i’d forgotten.

couldn’t quite go back to sleep (could be because i slept from 11.30 am the previous night to 1 pm yesterday afternoon), and so i left the sleeping boyfriend (my tossing and turning was not aiding his rest) and have been cybertrolling since.

i dreamt of an ex’s mother. o_O. i must be missing her subconsciously, because really, i haven’t seen her in years. we were close (at least i thought we were) and i remember, with a tinge of sadness, the afternoons spent in her company– watching her paint, having tea on the patio, eating her awesome food. whenever i see tealight holders which are red, i think of her. she was (is) my idea of a perfect wife: her hair was always perfect, she could cook anything (and i mean anything), she pursues her art for her own enjoyment (and excels) and she takes time to spend alone, quality time with her husband. we had a kind of friendship (to an 18 year old) that existed outside her son and my relationship. i could tell her all my hurts, about our fights, my crazy suspicions, my results, my excitements. while i know she listened to the other girls in my ex’s life at the same time, i guess i felt special at that time. she has her flaws, but i miss her, oddly, as one misses an old mentor who severed ties with you years ago. she probably doesn’t remember my name. it stung, very badly when she stopped talking to me, without giving me a chance to explain, a 180 degree cold shoulder. foolish thoughts on a monday morning right?

anyway, haiya..

den’s cousins are really moving along with their coffee place dream. its always nice to hear that a dream is slowly being fleshed out. as talk of rent and locations come up, it strikes me: how excited they must be at the prospect of starting something new. i remember when i first started the company– that bright shiny bubble i found myself in, waking up in the middle of the night to just look at my bizfile profile. exciting times, exciting times.

i was telling den, everytime i hear people talking about starting a f&b outlet, i also want. a little dog-friendly cafe/restaurant where i can have dinner with friends every night. like a huge-ass table in the middle of the room, and everyone will eat what i serve and talk with each other. he says why do you need a restaurant, you can do that at home. true la. or like a tippling club kinda place where they can come and chill out. bring their clandestine dates, and have anise/cardomum scented vapours wafting around them. i would know everything they are happy and sad about because they will all know where to find me all the time (at my cafe, la!). den can tend the bar — okay, scratch that, he’d drink us out of money. okay den can… er, serve food? i dunno. okay.. maybe he just shouldn’t work there la (he should be pursueing his own interests, not mine. anyway, den loves lawyering, so he will just come and eat at my restaurant). yup.

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my world, out of your reach

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