at twenty-four the decisions you make, wont be written off as “oh, she is too young to know better”. there is no time left for the excuses of “give her time to grow up”. this is grown up. this is the real world where the decisions are real, and irrevocable.
a month has past since the new year, and i realise i havent quite been able to say i’ve stood by my resolutions. in fact, i blatantly flount them and blame the situations i find myself in and the many screams of the world for my attention. i am unable to sit here, proudly, and look at the achievements we’ve made these 2 years. but rather with a very sad heart, i look at the bankbooks, accounts, suppliers, customers, the mountains of files we’ve accumulated, or the mess the office is in because we moved it around again (and again and again)– and i cant help but wonder if it has all been worth it. i cant help but think, “take this cup from me”.
there is one common factor in this mess: me. my poor leadership, my out-of-control temper, my lack of follow-through. more glaring now than ever, my inability to be organised, my constant excuse that someone else (mum perhaps) will deal with this– or i’ll do it when the time comes because its not crucial now.
arun’s voice plays in the background, as i listen to the recording of “still” that he made for me many moons ago. maybe its time to be a little still, and hear.