have i been good?

is a tough question to answer, on so many levels. (place your own intonations/stresses wherever you want, and interprete it anyway you want. ;) )

i’ve been very angsty lately, very snappish–not to mention the lack of sleep from this work-panic that hits me late in the night at a time where i can do nothing but stare at the ceilings and will it to crash down on me.

last night, the hostess of the dinner (mistakenly) rtied to comfort me in recovering from setbacks. and i was like whoaa.. what setback? i’m fine, i just graduated, i just travelled, i just started planning for my future. what setback are we refering to exactly? perhaps its just my general good-for-nothingness and the can’t-stand-on-her-own; wouldn’t-have-been-a-trainer-without-her-sister’s-backing assumptions or the her-job-prospects-are-dependant-on-her-connections. always the right hand, never the head, clearly. on days like this, sometimes i wonder why i bother. the trainings i’ve done alone, the camps i’ve anchored, the thrill of going through the feedbacks, my own achievements, my personal milestones, just shrugged aside–just cast away.

according to my mother, it is probably cos she just heard about my breakup with the boyscout. right. that close to a year ago.  and this is not about the hostess in specifics, but family friends in general–kill me at christmas– but did they think i’ll be still wiping my eyes every 30 minutes or be hinding certain body parts because i’m dealing with emotional pain by cutting,  or that i’m just too weak to stand on my own? perhaps they are right. poor ping, always the emotional basketcase, so defenseless, such a great HELP  to her sister.

maybe i should start picking up my phone like this: “hi mum, major disappointment speaking.” or “hi, this is me, no-matter-how-much-i’ve-done-on-my-own, its-always-brushed-off-anyway, so why bother calling” or perhaps “hey, i’ve-just-graduated-my-ceremony-is-not-even-over-yet, but who-the-fuck-gives-a-fuck, but come, lets hear about your new thoughts, or your or lack of your study schedule, or your new car, or your new house, or your new relationship, or your new life, or your lack of  a study schedule, or your house renovations, or your tile colours, or your boyfriend problems, or your wonderful life, or what stresses you out, or the fact you can’t get along with your boss.

because hey, always the right hand anyway.

just step right over.

teenage angst 101. middle child syndrome. major disappointment.

call this whatever you want. i’m used to it anyway.

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c

my world, out of your reach

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