there seems to be no words to describe this feeling, this feeling of scum, that i get whenever i think of you and the hurt i will sooner or later have to deal to you. this feeling of knowing one will hurt, beyond measure someone of such importance to me–someone who has seen me at my lowest and held my hand through it, someone whose precious memories i cannot remember, someone who crept under my skin and steeped his existence in me–so quickly so suddenly i no longer remember how or by what means or why or when.
i am losing myself, more now than ever, and every step i want to take pushes me 400 steps behind–heart strings tugged at, warm blood over cold skins, no one should be so lucky to be loved this way. certainly not me, i am no angel–not even a little bit, not even at all.
this fairytale has become my torment–because you dangle the happy ending, and yet my feet refuses to trust you enough to take the deep dive into the abyss with only the promise of you catching me. the valley is deep, and your arms are only so wide–wind, rain, blizzards (and the other troubles that always seem to dog my steps) factor in and crashing to rock bottom isn’t an option, not when the glue that holds me together hasn’t dried yet, not when the scabs from the last fall hasnt even fully formed. i cannot pick up these shards, i cannot afford to shatter.
so i stand here, at the edge of the cliff, backing away, not daring to be backing away. my heart and mind aren’t even pulling in different directions, they are both pulled in the same two different directions. please do not make me choose, i do not have the answer that you seek. please do not push, i’m not ready to jump. please do not love, because i don’t know what to do with your heart.
no one should be this lucky. certainly not me.