no longer touch the ground.
i wonder who you are and what your intentions might be. i am but a girl, without her feet on the ground, that only truly lives in her perfect rose-tinted world. i am above all, a dreamer, but as the line goes, i’m not the only one. i am the eternal child, the rose in the glass jar (this is not quite to emphasize the rose, but the abject distance i very often find myself), the collector of magical moments, the fairy-watcher (yes, they exist in my world of lala) and lover of the written word.
the fair lot of you who have been keeping up with this blog will know the story of my life, i am quite the open book as friends would attest. i get love-mail and hate-mail alike, i get complimented and i get insulted (on public blogs no less) and try as i might, i always find myself in situations where i get goaded into response, or reaction whichever you may.
it is straight-forward with me, those i love, i carry in my heart (oh, that lovely ee cummings poem i do love). i do my best to treasure and cherish my friends. i bother with niceties with acquaintances. the rest are of no consequence to me. a friend laughed and called me dao, which is the local slang for unfriendly, but do factor in the connotion of arrogance, pride)–and really i’ve been raised to think that’s ok.
some friends, unfortunately slip in between categories, and i do not claim to be gracious. some friends are just meant for the moment–of need, of fun, of meals, of someone to watch a movie with or chase rabbits in the park with, or to play inane games with. these friends are not bad friends, but they’re just for the moment. i havent quite decided if i bother with these kind of friends, or if they’re of no consequence, but i do seem at this point to lean towards the latter. i am past the stage of youth that makes me want to have the world love me, i think if those that see my heart care, then i should be satisfied. but just-on-the-moment friends cause me quite the heartbreak–especially because it is a category i do not quite like to put anyone under–but unfortunately it happens. you could spend every other day with a person, meeting up for coffee or rabbit-chasing or bench-chit-chats, and overnight, in some cases, over many nights, and over some issues, become a shell of strangers. they become people you no longer recognize, and its hard to fathom what was there to even talk about all those nights, because the tensions of friendship-neglect is palpable, hovering too close above one’s head, leaving you to wonder, how were we even friends once?
i dont look back and regret many things–but some relationships i most certainly do. i am a very lucky girl, i truly am: those that did matter never quite stopped caring. the ex-es are all there when i call, we laugh over books of pressed fairies, we catch tadpoles together, we study together over skype, we have hour long conversations while i walk the dog. the girlfriends are always there, ready to put on heels and scuttle off with me to wherever strikes my fancy, ready to laugh with me and ready to dry my tears. there are other such special people, who aren’t girlfriends, who aren’t ex-boyfriends that mean the world to me, and still carry a part of me wherever they might be.
this is not a snapshot of my life: this is just me, calm at 7.30 in the morning, wondering what happens in a few hours over a breakfast i will not have, feeling pensive over a surprisingly good grade, feeling quiet over a very interesting night, feeling loved by certain someones, feeling tickled over the fact that she said to me in a hug “i’ll see you in new zealand, i’ll be waiting at the airport.” ( i wonder if she’d make me the placard with the words “PRINCESS” on it.), feeling icy over the fact that i’ve written off a few friends in the past few weeks, these people i do not miss.
cheerios, i am one tooth short, the charming dentist says the milk ones have to go–that virtually means since i have about 5 left, i am going to be in a considerable amount of funk.
i need this break more than i realise.
(i’m disapointed in you, but you’ve really quite ceased to matter a while ago; lets not bother with the pretense any longer; i’m not interested to hear reasons, i am not looking for explanations for actions. i hope you find whatever you’re looking for. good luck.)
[brown duckling: there is a song i used to sing to you, it starts with the word somewhere. i would sing it for you now, but i have some sense about me to not put my singing online lest the internet watch groups protest. there are no formulas and no rules for love, or rather sustaining love. we just give it its best shot, its highest chances, and hope it flies–and when it doesnt, it is perhaps not our faults, we are mere mortals, neither is it God’s fault. it is simply, perhaps circumstance, or this thing the chinese call “yuan fen” which is a combination of destiny, meant-to-be and luck or its lack thereof. chin up baby boy, i’ll let you buy me ban mian when you get home.]