have i seen evil in people?
sure, its everywhere around us: people lie, people cheat, people kill, people steal. its a terrible world we live in really, wars and threats and schemes and conflict. so terrible sometimes i wonder what really is my purpose of being here, how did the degradation of what should have been paradise happen, how much does this generation have to do to right the wrong of our forefathers, how much more does the next generation have to do to right our wrongs.
have i known evil in people personally?
no. evil is too strong a word. no one is inherrently evil, they are merely guided by a different (i say different, not wrong) set of principles and moral system. their criterion of “should i do this?” is just different, not flawed but different. and what they want and how they seek it, is just different that’s all. but i have been lied to, i have been cheated, i have been betrayed, i have been let down. just as i have lied, cheated, betrayed and let down–whether by circumstance or design, yes i have. does it make me less of a person, does it make me evil? i dont think so, it makes me human.
what have i done, what have i done?
i do not know. one moment, it is just me and twinkletoes sitting there doing our work. the next moment a bunch of friends come down for a conversation and a stop-by-for-5-minutes. the next thing i know, you arrive (which is as much a surprise for me as it is for you) and then you stalk off. i did not know you were even walking over, it was only after i turned to face outwards did i see you as you were sitting down. was i ignoring you? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation. was i doing it on purpose? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation. was i flaunting my friendship with person-in-question (PIQ)? no, i was just engaged in a prior conversation.
what have i done, what have i done?
did i break apart your relationship? i was being there for a friend in the dumps, just as you would for a friend in the same position; just as PIQ was there for you. did i tell him to leave you? it was his decisions and a sum of both your actions (yours and his). did we spend our entire friendship talking bad about you? we’ve got a tons of other things to do like plan neighbourhood parties, like watch movies, like get massages/hip treatments, like talk about puzzles and our futures and past. do i hate you? if you re-read the emails that have been going back and forth between us, you’d realise i actually emphatise. (not sympathise, but emphatise) so what’s this secret code the both of you have, why did you guys get so close so fast? because i’ve seen him dressed as a king in our kindergarten play, because our parents know each other, because we stay a minute drive away from each other, because we used to hide under a bed and memorise fish facts, because i’ve seen him do a split and split his pants, just as he has seen me with hair down to my waist. because we met every night on the verge of tears, or crying over how love fled.
why should i explain it?
i don’t. i shouldn’t have to. as illogical the step is to jump from “they are together at the bench” to “they are bossom buddies that hang out” , as illogical the step is to jump from “they are together at the bench” to “he’s not talking to me, she must be the reason why”, as illogical as the step is to jump from “we broke up” to “he is not fighting for me to stay, it must be something she said”– as illogical as it is, i understand, because its something you want to believe. is that wrong? no. but i tell you very honestly, all this (mis)directed frustration and anger at me, is going to be useless because it wont solve your underlying conflicts. we’re not 15 anymore, we’re all going into the work force in a matter of months, weeks for you. step back and look at it all from a bigger picture. grow up–i’ve said time and again, i dont want to steal your boyfriend (or ex) or friends.
i will not apologise for being friends with PIQ either. he’s nice, he’s a friend. we sit and we talk about the crap-ass day we had, or the reports we have due. we talk about tiger onizukas. we talk about alcohol capacity or my lack thereof. we talk about my new guitar. we talk about the estate. we talk about opening water bottles for strangers. is that intimate? if you think so, then okay. will we become better friends? i do not know, but so what if we do? he has a right to friends, just as i do. will i ever say to him, “choose one of us”? no. because i’m not 8 yrs old. because its been a long time since i played the “i-friend-you” game. because he has a right to his own friends, even if we got really close. just as the ex has a right to his own decisions.
i’m sorry so much ugliness marrs your last term. well its a month to the finish, so you wont have to put up with it for long. if you were looking for an apology i have none to give. if not anything i am getting really annoyed at being lambasted for things that are conceived of your mind. i get lambasted for being there for a friend, my friend, a friend that watched me grow up and pulled my hair. i get lambasted for sitting at a bench where PIQ and friends happened to go for breaks, mind you i’ve been at that same bench the last year. i get lambasted for my existance in your ex’s life.
say what you want. yes, i live quite well with my conscience.
ask your friends, ask those who i know are your friends too. and ask and see if i’ve said anything untoward about you. i’m tired of this. this is the last time i’m clarifying myself to you. see this as a defensive measure. see this as an attack back. you’re going to interpret it the way you want to see it. i’ve got alot on my own plate and my own baggage to manage. please stop making your baggage my load to bear.
1. the ex and i are friends.
2. the PIQ and i are friends.
i’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable. i’m sorry if this makes you worry about what i say. but i’m not that great a manipulator, and i’m not that much of an operator. i do not have to explain my choices in friends, neither do i have to apologise for who i hang out with or where i hang out, or what we do. even if the ex wants to make me tiramisu, it is his prerogative. even if the PIQ gives me a lift home from school, its his prerogative. i’m not saying its happening. i’m just saying even if it does, it is not for you to dictate, neither are any of us waiting for your approval to be better friends. deal with it. i know this sounds harsh, but its true. i dont want to be cruel, but its really gotten crazy-out-of-hand.
find some peace. and good luck with life.