what a heavy day, after weeks of not hearing from you, our first conversation today (on sms no doubt) are oddly surreal. how do i begin even telling you about what’s happening with me, and how i am no longer the same girl you knew, that things are so different, and i am so different now.
how do i begin telling you about my white and brown ducklings, how do i tell you about my recent scratching the car that resulted in the hufflepuffs coming down to drive the car home cos i was too scared to drive? how do i tell you about the amazing email that i received, or my december plans? how do i tell you about my thinking of pursuing a post-grad anyway, this time in corporate journalism? how do i tell you about my new york dreams, my promise to meet a fairy godlover in paris in a few years? how do i tell you about the amazing friends i’ve made recently, or the movies i’ve watched with old friends? how do i tell you about cooper and how smart he’s grown, or how worried i am about having (possibly) to put tyger down?
i’m okay, i will be okay, and thank you for your gift. it was nice to know you saw them and thought to buy them for me. i would have said something earlier if i had known they were from you, but you see i only found that out today.
i’m sorry that in your dreams you see me angry and crying and screaming at you. i guess the last months must have erased alot of the bangkok memories, or the smiles we shared. i wish you’d picked up all those times i was deliriously happy, back when we were still pseudo talking. maybe your memories of me would be different.
i know you’ll be okay in australia, before long you’d have forgotten what roxy looked like as a puppy, and what a crazy time it was the first night we brought uno out. before long you’d forget the nights we’d go for walks or wrestle, or play hooky hooky and daidee until one of us gives up the inside spot. before long you’d make new memories with new people in your new room and your new school.
the P plate comes off soon, ive never thanked you for being there and every one of the driving tests (and man there were too many) or always telling me its okay and you were willing to drive me around anyway when i didnt pass. think you were there from the very first one and brought me to mac ritchie so i could cry it out.
i’ve come to terms with alot of things, in my own way. i’ve grown so much (except the hair), and friends have told me how glad they were that i seemed to be finding myself again, the me i was when i was young and crazy fun (hence the suspensions), when i would “let my energy suckerpunch someone in the face”. i can sit in school and eat alone, or watch a movie alone now. i can drive around without panicking alone, and i can go to the parks alone too. i can sit in my room and watch the rain on the rooftop tiles and not wail, and i can go into town and shop on my own.
i will hold you to your word, and i hope you remember.
i know i posted this before, but i really like this song at the moment. i doubt you heard it the first time. watch the animation too. dont read too much into the lyrics, i think you’d just get why i like this so much.
Patty Griffin sings:
It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won’t climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you’re gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Chorus: Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don’t wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain
goodnight boyscout. bring roxy for a run please, she’s getting fat.