i’m not looking for the rest of your life; i just want a chance to live

dear boyscout,

what a heavy day, after weeks of not hearing from you, our first conversation today (on sms no doubt) are oddly surreal. how do i begin even telling you about what’s happening with me, and how i am no longer the same girl you knew, that things are so different, and i am so different now.

how do i begin telling you about my white and brown ducklings, how do i tell you about my recent scratching the car that resulted in the hufflepuffs coming down to drive the car home cos i was too scared to drive? how do i tell you about the amazing email that i received, or my december plans? how do i tell you about my thinking of pursuing a post-grad anyway, this time in corporate journalism? how do i tell you about my new york dreams, my promise to meet a fairy godlover in paris in a few years? how do i tell you about the amazing friends i’ve made recently, or the movies i’ve watched with old friends? how do i tell you about cooper and how smart he’s grown, or how worried i am about having (possibly) to put tyger down?

i’m okay, i will be okay, and thank you for your gift. it was nice to know you saw them and thought to buy them for me. i would have said something earlier if i had known they were from you, but you see i only found that out today.

i’m sorry that in your dreams you see me angry and crying and screaming at you. i guess the last months must have erased alot of the bangkok memories, or the smiles we shared. i wish you’d picked up all those times i was deliriously happy, back when we were still pseudo talking. maybe your memories of me would be different.

i know you’ll be okay in australia, before long you’d have forgotten what roxy looked like as a puppy, and what a crazy time it was the first night we brought uno out. before long you’d forget the nights we’d go for walks or wrestle, or play hooky hooky and daidee until one of us gives up the inside spot. before long you’d make new memories with new people in your new room and your new school.

the P plate comes off soon, ive never thanked you for being there and every one of the driving tests (and man there were too many) or always telling me its okay and you were willing to drive me around anyway when i didnt pass. think you were there from the very first one and brought me to mac ritchie so i could cry it out.

i’ve come to terms with alot of things, in my own way. i’ve grown so much (except the hair), and friends have told me how glad they were that i seemed to be finding myself again, the me i was when i was young and crazy fun (hence the suspensions), when i would “let my energy suckerpunch someone in the face”. i can sit in school and eat alone, or watch a movie alone now. i can drive around without panicking alone, and i can go to the parks alone too. i can sit in my room and watch the rain on the rooftop tiles and not wail, and i can go into town and shop on my own.

i will hold you to your word, and i hope you remember.

i know i posted this before, but i really like this song at the moment. i doubt you heard it the first time. watch the animation too. dont read too much into the lyrics, i think you’d just get why i like this so much.

Patty Griffin sings:
It’s hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won’t climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you’re gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Chorus: Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don’t wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I’m not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Chorus x2

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I’m still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

goodnight boyscout. bring roxy for a run please, she’s getting fat.

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Published by

c

my world, out of your reach

10 thoughts on “i’m not looking for the rest of your life; i just want a chance to live”

  1. hello darling.

    i love you, i really do.

    got a lump in my throat reading the entry.

    though i will never quite earnestly and openly
    express it,
    know that i feel the way you do.

    and i’m so glad you,
    us,
    we are all getting better.

    i don’t know what else to say except
    that you rock my shoes and socks

    and i love you muchly.

    *group hug*

  2. Strangely babes, i teared when i read this entry, somehow i can so relate to this feeling. it’s like soon numbness seem to take over pieces of your heart and things that happen and affect us everyday becomes part of a tiny little story summarised in meaningless lines, to be told to that someone who used to matter. somehow everything doesn’t matter as much already. it’s like lost.

  3. dear Q,
    its real nice to be going through this with you, and knowing that its not a weird, wrong feeling i am feeling. and i like that i express the words you feel but can’t. to be honest, i think somewhere along the lines of not talking to him, and being so swept away by the crazy fun i’ve been having, i stopped hurting without realising it. and then getting my stuff back just fucked everything up. its just an over-due cry i guess? but i am okay, in school, doing okay in class. in this series of crests and troughs, every trough is shallower, and recovery time is shorter. :)

    dear cher,
    thank you for always being able to see my heart, for always understanding. i guess very soon everything will stop mattering to him, and as much as that hurts (as it already is happening) you’re right, it’ll just be a line in the middle of a bigger story. or on facebook, “we hooked up for 2 years, and it ended destructively and now we are…” and you want to scream and yell at facebook and scream there’s more!! there’s more!! those 2 lines don’t justify anything!! but you can’t, so you shrug and let it pass you by.

  4. Hi babe, I don’t know whats happening and I can only guess. Things will get better, I promise. At the meantime, want you to know I bought u more underwear to cheer you up. I should be coming back for a short visit soon and we’ll go for ice cream. You’ll feel better after ice cream. At the meantime, you know how to reach me and you are always welcome here for a visit/escape. Miss you most.

  5. Z, oh yeah. heehee. i got the place wrong, but i sure as hell remembered the concept!

    haz, thanks for the love, i really appreciate it. i am okay i guess, just dealing with the residual you-know. :) things will get better.

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