things i wish i could tell you

dearest,

i am okay, and on my way to being okay. everyday is a step, but a step nonetheless, and everyday little by little i am finding more of me and more of the woman i am becoming. everyday i am breaking a little, but healing a little more. crying a little, but laughing a little more.

i find a lot of comfort in this quiet that surrounds me, the whirrling fan, the rain in the mornings. i wake up surprised to not find you next to me, i wake up feeling silly for wondering why the bed is so big, and why the blanket is never warm enough. but then i breathe in, breathe out and get out of bed and get on with my day. so many things to do, so many people to meet and talk to, so much more to be thankful for.

i am surrounded by an amazing support group, one that is around me, 24-7. from the 2 angels who sat with me through the nights at the most tumultuous times and cried with me and for me, to steffie who is back and promises to stay around, to the artist who surrounds me with surprises of gilmore girls & corrinne may, to the commando bastards who crack me up with their innane silliness and their unfailing support of everything i do, to sam fatass who worries for me and whose hugs never fail to make me feel like everything’s gonna be okay, to my family, mom who asks me out for movies to take my mind off things, dad who tell me how much i am worth, to my sisters who give me space and take my snipes and love me unconditionally, to my new-found old friend who understands first hand what i am going through and listens to what my words cannot express, to tyler’s ownerwho shows up at my gate when the wind allows and take me for a walk when i need to get out of the house, to cherilyn who tells me whenever i need a stayover she’s around and who lets me know i’ve got a shoulder and a listening ear when i need it, to the fairygodlovers who send their love from far off lands, to zeke who reminds me someone’s remembering me in prayer and love.

i am going to be okay. and i hope you’re okay too.

right now, i am not good for you, right now i cannot be the strong independant person you need. i am getting there, for me–not you; and maybe one day the wind blows you in my direction again and maybe then you’ll start hearing my heart’s song again.

someone wise said, “let go and if he comes back to you, you’ll know he’s yours.” so maybe one day you’ll come back, maybe you won’t. we’re 22, 23. life’s long, and we’ve both got so much growing up to do.

so, dearest, “See the pyramids around the Nile, Watch the sun rise, From the tropic isle…See the market place In old Algiers..Fly the ocean In a silver plane, See the jungle When it’s wet with rain”, you know what the most important lines say, but i won’t say it, because you don’t, not anymore.

right now, in this moment, i do not blame you for anything; for your choices or your words, for your hurts, or your actions. i’m letting it all go.

i don’t think you’d read this, or that you’d venture here on your own. (those of you who know who this is for, maybe you could drop him a line to let him know that this post exists.) even if you don’t read it, it’s okay because i think its enough i’ve said it.

its been 2 amazing years, and i am thankful for everything–for being my rock and my joy. for tickles and for powder in my mouth. for bangkok memories and foolish dreams of penthouses.

love,
c.

Advertisements

Published by

c

my world, out of your reach

9 thoughts on “things i wish i could tell you”

  1. it is difficult to be angry at you. and yet i AM. and in the same breathe i say i will not be for long. this isn’t a life line. I hate myself for having to say it but i think it necessary.

    to believe i do care for a person as you is foolish, but i do know you will be stronger and happier and make stupid giggle noises again. soon.

    it is all about timing isn’t it. your time today is to smile again.

    will be gone to china for now.

    good bye.

  2. i’ve read what you* commented, and i have removed it because well, it is between us.

    i hope that was really you* tagging, you have no idea how many people sign off as K on the comments that do not quite sound like you.

    maybe one day you’d stop being angry.

    do say goodbye properly in october.

  3. I’m really happy for you babe. That you can finally let it go and start finding happiness again. Sorry i wasn’t there for you when you needed support most. Didn’t know until I found your blog via li’s.

    It’s going to take a while before you no longer feel the pain. Just take one step at a time ya?

    *Hugs*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s