I is for inside voice

My inside voice rambles on and on. It chatters incessantly: my fears, my worries,  my guilt, my frustration. I try to simplify it so I can make some sense of it: what is this really about, c. How much of this is a desperate cry for release? How much of this is a torrent of rage? How much of this is a fervor for attention? So I ask myself, on this day… I feel .. (fill in the blanks)

1) panicked – omfg.  The monumental changes to come. The drastic changes that must happen yesterday.
2) lonely – it’s my life to lead, and my consequences to bear
3) loved – I married someone with unshakable faith in me, and volumes of patience that astounds me
4) sour – I have been surly and mean, direct and tactless today
5) redeemed – my husb reminds me there are no small miracles, and that God loves fiercely and posessively.
6) thankful – for mum’s quiet support in the things she does not say. And dad’s acts of service.
7) shocked – some relationships do not go the distance or run shallower than I thought they would
8) unravelled – this uncontrollable flood of emotion that swallows me

The dogs (and I know I really spend alot of my time talking about the dogs) sense my frustration. Today peps put aside her chewy treat just to cuddle with me, willingly. These days I think they are really fantastic creatures that only love unconditionally and without reservation or judgement. They just take what you are willing to give, and are all so atuned to my moods. Truly the most worthwhile emotional investment.

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